Sunday, September 17, 2006

Dunno Why???

Why???

Why do I feel like blogging right now, when I have loads of stuff to learn for tomorrow’s exam and when I absolutely have no idea as to what fate awaits me during tomorrow’s exam?

Why does it feel like browsing the net when I know that I stand to gain much more if I studied for the ongoing exams?

Why does it feel like listening to James Blunt’s -- “You’re beautiful” again and again, when I have absolutely no suicidal tendencies or even a ‘girlfriend’ – forget her deserting me for someone else?

Why do I find it so burdensome to hold my attention and not let my thoughts wander during any course lecture – be it engrossing or boring?

Why do I fear failure so much when actually the desire to succeed burns so bright deep down inside of me?

Why do I feel so utterly claustrophobic—lonely and tied up—, when, ironically, I am in fact in the company of spirited, animated, bubbly and vivacious friends?

Why do I end up plastering a plastic smile across my sullen face when in others’ company?

Why does it feel so difficult to trust anybody when all I desire is someone to share my feelings and lighten up my heart?

Why does it feel so onerous to forget things that I ought to have forgotten a long time ago?

Why is it so difficult to break out of that pessimistic outlook I get into occasionally—for short time spans— when I know that it ain’t right and that too when I am completely aware of my malfeasance?

Why does it feel like dialing that number when I know the repercussions that will arise out of my actions will be quite severe?

Why does she feel so close to me and yet so isolated from me?

Why does the heart yearn to go home when I know that it isn’t possible until certain things fall in place?

Why do tears trickle out of my eyes and damp my pillow when I am on my cot and get lost in thoughts, when I know the majority residing in the time-zone I do are in a deep slumber?

Why???

Why then does it feel so???

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

A Stupid small story

Once upon a time, there was a huge banyan tree that was scattered somewhere in a dense jungle(yeah, a chotu story….. mushy mushy story. Just read on). And so it happened that a young canary that just learnt the art of flying zoomed in onto a huge branch of that particular tree. As that cute lil’ canary (a male one at that) was gasping for breath (Yeah, it was tired, after all it had just learnt to fly), it saw a sweet looking puerile girlish dove staring at him with all the innocence in the world. The canary too looked on. Time passed by (No, not days, but just a few minutes) with blank stares. Summoning some courage the dove moved a bit closer to the canary. The canary now felt warmer. Taking the cue, the canary asked the dove as to what it was doing on that branch of the tree. The dove had no answer. It was just idling itself there and it was destined that she meet the delightful canary. Who could help that? The cold frigidity between them just melted as time flew and before they knew they had shared so much and could feel the distance lessening. (And please stop your thoughts there… These birds were still kids man!!! Dude Grow Up). And before they knew it, it was dusk, the sun had set and a sense of grey had enveloped the sky. So they bade each other goodbye – they had to move back to their own nests – each wishing to come back the next day and hopefully find the other waiting for them.

The next day the canary returned early only to find the dove waiting for him eagerly. All they did was talk – delicate gibberish routine daily stuff – and talk and talk. They loved talking to each other. They neglected the entire world and kept on chattering to no end. They loved each others company. As they noticed later, time sped on at alarming velocities.

This dainty charming friendship assumed huge proportions and developed into a very strong bond.

When the canary was down, the dove would be there to lift his spirits and conversely.

Whenever something irked the dove, the canary made sure the dove felt comfortable and mutatis mutandis.

When some trouble lurked, both made a collective effort to steer clear from the harm.

And just as everyone around thought that nothing could separate them, the canary had to depart to another place. (Maybe his parents wanted a cooler location to live) He could no longer meet the dove. Both were heart broken. Each wondered how they would live without the company of their dear friend and how that gaping void left by the loss of their dear companion would be filled.

But then life moves on. They bid goodbye, this time forever (they thought), and got on with life. The juvenile beings they were took the schism with a wounded heart but then the hurt healed in due course of time. Life moved on and on and on.

The canary matured with the years and grew into a fine adolescent bird. Years had passed on since that separation. He didn’t remind himself much about the dove.

Then suddenly one day as he was flying in the vast sky, he sensed a familiar face in the neighbouring flock of birds. It was a face he had known well – No points for guessing it right – well, yes that good old friend of his, the dove. The canary was ecstatic – it had found its childhood friend. This time it was the canary’s turn to take the lead. He found out the whereabouts of the dove – let me not concentrate on how and why the dove’s family migrated to the same place. He got back in touch with her.

Well let me cut the story short here…... It wouldn’t need a sage to declare this small story has a huge parallel with our lives. As kids we are good friends with the opposite sex and just as time passes and we grow older, we become rigid, we become stiff, we don’t know what hits us and we never see much of each other in our mid teens. Just as we hit adolescence we chance upon such friends and then all of a sudden we are at our wit’s end. Why wit’s end?? Yes, I will be coming to that a little bit later.

We start the correspondence again. We get back in touch and we begin knowing each other again from the start. Then on, it again takes the oft repeated, very strikingly familiar paths – yes, paths – in most of the relations. So let me get on with the paths, so we get on back to the story.

Path A

The canary gets in touch, gets coochie again. The canary (the dove in a few cases) decides that he while as a kid loved the dove and still does. Hence he proposes love to the dove.

This happens in most of the cases and I dunno why. Did the dove ever experience that ‘love’ when they were still juvenile???

Path B

The canary and the dove are at loggerheads. They do not know if they can be just friends. They are also not able to decide whether they had been in love, whether they are in love. Nothing much happens here. They are very hesitant in the relation. The conversations are dry. That amazing chemistry they shared is completely missing. They never can comprehend what hit them. They had shared wondrous moments when they were young but then the magic can just not be recreated. Nothing works out here. It’s relegated to a so-so situation.

And this happens in quite a few situations. Confusion Confusion and more confusion.

Path C

The canary and dove recollect those lovely days, discuss how they coped up with the separation, open up again, be frank to one another and become the good friends they once were.

And yes, this almost never happens. Though this would be my preferred way of rebuilding the relation. Guess ‘love’ can never cease entering the minds of the two people. Can’t pure friendship ever prevail???

P.S This piece of shit, I happened to write when I became completely frussssst after almost 3 hours of studying machine tools – something I am not really sure as to how useful that study is to my future!!!! This doesn’t intend to hurt anybody’s feelings and do read this at your own risk. Can make you frustrated as well.

P.P.S I cannot deny the existence of a similar story in my life and for the path.... well let it remain a secret for now. Also Don’t try asking me who the girl in question is.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

4 months on a platter

4 months in a few words… Wonder if that is possible!!! But then I will definitely try that with every ounce of effort while keeping myself fully aware that I need to be careful so as to not bore the world reading this “holy crap”. If you ask me why I’d decided to write all this, all you meet with is an ignorant and bewildered I-Just-Dunno why I’d done that expression. Cut the crap and let me start off.

May 8th – 27th Well that’s what my certificate says!!! I don’t exactly remember the dates though. Lovely vacation (read industrial training) in Vizag Steel Plant, Ukkunagaram…. Yeah the good ol’ Vizag….. Nag, Shankar and me…. Add Bunnu, Palli and Santhu for that extra dash of fun…Really fulfilling experience to say the least. Was our first window to the working of a large scale industry. The sheer magnitude of the steel plant can be quite intimidating. Really got to know quite a few things though I guess we should have braced ourselves a little more and showed sufficient enthusiasm to learn that wee bit more. Rue the fact that we have lost quite a bit of our inquisitiveness and the questioning aptitude since the JEE days. All in all an entertaining fun-filled knowledge-laced experience, something we will remember quite well for the rest of our lives. (The forthcoming interviews won’t let us erase this so easily from our memories). Now for a sneak peek into the days we spent there.

Lazy life – Uncles who are always eager to give us ‘lifts’/rides on their bikes till the factory and also further inside.(Love that lift culture – so helpful). -- Routine work shifts – literally had a ‘hot’ time in the furnaces and sooty bodies at the end of the day because of the coal dust that floats everywhere in the plant – Abysmally cheap and good quality food in the mess(Shankar’s eyes were always on that 10Rs chicken serving)—The customary afternoon session bunk and the quick naps— off to gajuwaka in the evening for some movie(Must confess here to watching about 12 movies during my stay)—the “chicken sp. Biryani” packets(Shankar, Do you remember???) to gorge on in the room at night—the innumerable mirchi bajjis we relished—long strolls in the plant—late night discussions about topics ranging from CG to CV to Palli’s girlfriend to anything in relation to the world—the occasional beach trip—Yeah man, training was fun, much much more than I expected it to be.

Then came June and I’d gotten home. Was desperately trying to land myself another training and so finally dashed off to Chennai with the hope of making it to one TVS Motors. But then they said I was too late. And just when it seemed like I would have to return without having accomplished anything, an uncle from Hyundai invited me over there. Also caught up with a few ol’ friends and teachers…. Visited SBOA, my school in addition to the training .

So another training for about 15 days in Hyundai Motors, Chennai. Lovely Place, Lovely people. Great work ethic, Even greater approach to work, dedicated target oriented workers. All in all a great place to be. But I can’t stop complaining about the hectic schedule.

Early morning wake up at 4 30 – Bus at 5 30 – Reaching the factory at 6 30 – Lovely, Absolutely Lovely Breakfast – Shop Floor Visits – Process appreciation – Reveling seeing the absolutely awesome-fantastic-ginormous-sophisticated machinery –Brief Lunch (Again Awesome) –Further shop floor study – evening bus home at 4 00 -- Almost mandatory traffic jam – reaching uncles home by 7 30 in the night – a few minutes of soccer world cup and then this tired guy eats a lil’ and jumps off to bed.

Then to Vijaywada…. Off to Hyderabad….. Caught up with a lot of Johnians….

Back home…. And don’t ever ask me what happened next??? The most tumultuous phase of my life… Nerve-wracking 15 days. Absolutely no idea as to how I – and other family members – got through this!!! And then returned back to Kgp.

Integrated back with friends… lots of new stories to tell… lots of stories I’d heard as well… Two and a half months being apart and then getting back together… Lots of fun moments to share… And yes this span is sufficient to change a person. Lots of changes I observed in my dear friends…

Right now, Midsems round the corner and I feel like doing everything in the world other than open my books. Open. Close. Open the book… stare at a few pages…. Call yourself an ass for not studying regularly. Look at the same page again for 5 more minutes. Nothing gets into your head. Concentrate again. Have had enough. Throw the book on the cot. Get in front of the computer. Start searching DC++ or the net. Chat with a few friends. Feels great!!! Look at the book on the cot and say “Man, Academic Books are not my cup of tea”.

Well, that’s my state right now… Absolutely clueless!!! Really trying to figure out why I’ve written all this crap in the first place.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Time to Update!!!!

Yeah!!! Damn right….. Definitely the time to update… its been ages. Haven’t opened my blogger account, for like, 4 months say…No posts, very less blog browsing too.


So what the hell on earth have I been up to the past few months??? Actually speaking, this self imposed exile (distance sounds better, I guess) from blogging has specific reasons(or doesn’t it???)….

Did someone ask me to shy myself away from blogging???

Was I frightened the world would find the real ‘me’???

Was I making a fool of myself ranting in the public domain???

Even I dunno for sure what hit me or kept me out of my blog’s way. Now that I am back (I’ve been able to iron out a few differences too by the way), hopefully the blog gets some regular visitors and also a few posts and a much wanted new lease of life. So dudes, lemme shake some rust off my back and get back to blogging.