DOWN..... OUT..... 'N' MIGHTY TIRED......

Exams can do a lot to one's psyche. They intimidate you. They terrorise you. They punch you in the face, kick you hard in the gut, effect a KO. The VOLUME of material/books you ought to study to maintain your not-so-great, yet respectable CG(Another 2 dreaded letters) and the TIME you've got on your hands are utterly dispropotionate. For once you are brought down to earth. You get to know ground realities.

Having bunked classes at a feverish pace, sitting right at the back and dreaming (in some cases, sleeping right under the professor's nose) in the very few classes you manage to drag yourself to, just for the sake of an attendance, hardly helps. It desperately feels like a Failed Journey, even before you take-off. Exams are still those dreaded few letters themselves...."EXAMS".

Exams make you sit down and study. For once you open your books. For once you feel you are in HERE with a purpose. You get reminded you are here to get moulded into a MANUFACTURING ENGINEER. And then you realise, you weren't meant to take this shit.

Huh!!! How one wished there weren't any exams. There are far better ways to grade a person, I believe. And I stubbornly believe that CG isn't a true reflection of either a person's technical skills, expertise, grip on the subject, his potential or ability. It might be an indicator of the hardwork he'd put in. Even that can't be said for sure. A Controversial Topic to deal with. I agree. But then I'd really like some other alternative for these exams. Being a Junior Student right now, I shouldn't be sulking and fretting over all these. 5th semester has come to a close and there are 3 more semesters to go. Entering the most crucial phase of my Course(Training and Placement right ahead), I just need to brace myself, command all energy and stamina, race the pack already a fair distance ahead of me and hopefully put up a good fight. By now, you must be saying, "Stop sulking and Put up a fight you @$$."

YEAH!!! I DID. I did it this time around. Relax. It was just a good fight though. I concentrated all my energies, studied hard, put the thoughts behind, worked my ass off on all courses -- only during the exam time though, I must remind. But then I am not sure if it was worth it. The distance will still remain. The gap just isn't looking like its going to diminish. I even didn't go for Ravi's Birthday treat. (Sorry DUDE!!! I wasn't bent on disrupting your party plans but then it just didn't fit into my scheme of things.) But then even though I sound like a soldier wounded or a defeated boxer I am really not worrying about the result. It just feels good having given your best. It was just for one week, I know. But it has been long since I’d done that and it’s quite satisfying. The "working off my ass" has also left me DOWN…. OUT…. And MIGHTY TIRED.

I'd be quite happy if I don't just slip up though...Well, even that isn't in my hands. To hell with the results.........Now for some rest!!!

P.S : The actual version I'd written was quite big and infact boring (Not that this isn't). Hence I edited an incident I'd written about out of this and reposted it below. If you aren't exhausted having read this crap, then test the limits of your patience. See if you can finish the crap below this too.....

THE EDITED PART FROM ABOVE

Well, here is something I wrote along with the one above. But then I edited it out. I felt the post was getting too lengthy. So if you are still not fed up reading the one above… Just go ahead.

Exams make you sit down and study. For once you open your books. For once you feel you are in HERE with a purpose. You get reminded you are here to get moulded into a MANUFACTURING ENGINEER. And then you realise, you weren't meant to take this shit. You just weren't meant to be this. This wasn't meant to be your true calling.

Which transports me back to my school days.

I was in class IX when one of my teachers trivially joked in the class, about how we'd either wind up as engineers and doctors. "Children of this generation hardly have other choices", she declared. I was quite upset at this thought. I wanted to be DIFFERENT. I wanted to different from the rest. I wasn't going to be an engineer or a doc, I told myself. That evening I set out on an onerous task - I'd make a list of all professions other than the aforementioned. I sat down frisking my mind and listing all professions I knew and by the end of the 2 hour study hour, I had a list of 89 professions, to be exact. Quite an amateurish list I must accept. But then I was quite proud of my efforts. I was going to be one of these, or so I thought.

Cut to class X after my board exams, I was busy contemplating which course to join, which college to join, which part of the country. I wanted to pursue Economics or Humanities and was at wit's end as to which one to choose. I knew I had a multitude of career avenues had I chosen Economics -- become an economist or a CA or a wat-else-is-possible. (Oops, I don't have the list with me right now. It is safe along with my letter and greeting collection back home) But I wasn't sure what I'd become pursuing Humanities. It was just my love for the subject, I guess, or maybe it had more do with my History teacher. I just loved her classes and her knowledge base and the way she drilled those stories into our heads. It wasn't that I was weak in Math or in Science. I liked those subjects, found them quite a bit fascinating and thats about it. Maybe those teachers weren't as inspiring and caring as my History ma'am. I had nothing against Math and Science.

I must really consider myself lucky because my parents readily gave me the go-ahead and were really happy about my choice when I'd first informed. For a person who consistently topped the class with minimum effort, (with due respect to my competition, I must admit having considered myself head and shoulders above everyone in the class and percieved myself as being in an altogether different league… Now I ain’t thinking the same though) choosing Humanities over Maths was bound to meet with mixed reactions. I expected my parents would pitch for my pursuing Pure Sciences. But then my parents completely endorsed my view. Mom even went to the extent of wanting to see me do my Bachelors in London School of Economics (LSE) and she was willing to fund it as well if I could get myself a seat in there. So far, so good and the hunt for the school began.

Class Ten results were out. I topped in almost every subject, had the highest total with my nearest competitor almost a fair distance behind me. I'd be getting 4 gold medals (Real Gold worth about 5k each) and lots more cash and goodies that year for my wonderful performance. There was lot of frenzy in the house. People were ecstatic. My parents were very proud of me, though I was sulking at not having crossed the School's Highest Total that was achieved quite a few years back. The house always brimmed with conversations about MY PERFORMANCE and MY FUTURE. They'd discuss it for hours and hours and feel so proud. It was during one causerie when mom told me gently, "Kanna (Means sweet lil' child in Telugu), Doing Humanities or Economics would mean our relatives commenting about your lack of calibre, lack of talent. They might indulge in petty talk that these 4 metallic pieces are just a one-off thing and that you really have no guts or the gumption to face the tougher world -- the Sciences and Math. You must be ready to brave the odds." That's it and nothing more. Suddenly my thought process took over. I sat down thinking. Those few words hit me hard. REAL HARD. I jusn't couldn't imagine myself being labeled a DUMB INCAPABLE SLOUCH.

I wanted to be DIFFERENT. TRUE. But I also wanted to be THE BEST. I wanted to be THE BEST more than being DIFFERENT. And at that very instant, I decided I would pursue only SCIENCES, because the failure to do would be construed my LACK OF ABILITY.

INCESSANT PRIDE. PRESTIGE. TWO SECONDS OF IRRATIONAL THINKING. And I am here what I am. Totally lifeless. Totally Disillusioned. Irate with having not pursued what I truly wanted to.

But then again, Life ain't so bad after all. I am in IIT - the best engineering college in the country. Yet, all these thoughts just keep rushing back when I start studying for the exams. I recollect things, scold myself and then get back to studying. It happens always and exams make me completely frusssssssst.

HUH!!! DUH!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM

Words can’t truly express what I want to blurt out right this instant.

MOM, You have been my biggest source of inspiration and you will remain the single most influential person in my life – and I mean it in every sense of the word. I truly cherish the camaraderie we share. Everything I am right now is all because of what you had done for me – the numerous sacrifices, the heart breaking distances, the setbacks you braved, the love and care you showed. As you step into one more glorious year of your life, Your Birthday gives me a platform to reminisce the very many things that shaped my life -- the advice, the letters, the silly fights, the love, the anger and countless others. Let me thank you for all that you have done. And I am proud of you. Have a wonderful Birthday. YOU ARE MY HERO.

P.S : The pic here is of the card I’d carefully handpicked for MOM the last time I was in Kolkata…. But then I decided against mailing her. I just thought it wasn’t the right time to send a card especially when the whole household is shrouded in grief. Maybe I will make use of it for her birthday next year.