Crap

It is in the unlikeliest places that you’ll find the things that you are desperately looking for.

Does the heart know what the head is up to? And vice versa? If they do, then do they concur? If they don’t which one comes out trumps? Maybe I am 2 selves rolled into one. :|

Sometimes we ignore people and do not care. It is not until someone else ignores us that we realize the pain that we similarly inflicted on another.

You come in unannounced. You create questions. And then you walk out. So do I not get a say in anything? Isn't it a violation of my rights?

There is this person that loves you. You are aware of that. But you keep them at a distance but dexterously manage to keep them within your line of vision and still taunt them and ignite new hope. Is there a sadistic pleasure you can derive from that?

Do you look at somebody and think that they do not deserve all that they have? Or maybe that you deserve all that more than that person did? Or maybe been seen in such a way? It is deviously unfathomable that one can think that way, and trust me when I say what I say, there could be nothing more awkward than that.

PS : Some crap I wrote waaayyyy back.

Tips to Bell the CAT

P.S: Wrote this on request. Felt that it would help many if I shared it here.
P.P.S: Use the Toggle screen button on the top right of the Scribd embed box for full screen view.

Contemplations

On the way home from office today, I realized something. It is precisely this time I can consider my “Alone Time” – time I get to be with none other than myself, time to think about self, coupled with a blank, idle mind devoid of work related tensions and with ample time for contemplations.

Done with work for the day, I stumble along the pavement to the bus stop. As I wait for a bus that ain’t crowded or for a cab to arrive, I am usually lost in thought. Probably, I am a thinking person. I do the math -- various permutations and combination -- of the multitude of situations and relationships involving me as also the peripheral ones. Meanwhile, a cab/bus with a vacant window seat comes by and I hop on. I take my seat, unlock the window so as to allow an optimum breeze, arising out of the vehicle in motion, to trickle along the perimeter of my face. And then, inevitably, I get lost in my train of thoughts again.

Does anybody in the world ever care about my existence?
How would it be if I didn’t exist?
What is the very purpose of this existence?
Do I feel like I belong?
Will I ever find anybody who will be my ‘someone special’?
Will I ever be anything other than single?
Will somebody ever feel possessive about me?
Why do I not have anybody to share all my feelings with?
What is it that makes somebody that ‘someone special’?
And the train of thought goes on building………………………

And then I alight from the bus, reach home and find signs of habitation. Lo, Poooffffff.....The thoughts that have built up vaporize all of a sudden and I am restored back to reality, to normalcy.

With just a few more days of office life remaining, as I write this piece, I surely think I will miss my ‘alone time’. Through all the negativism and the emotional turmoil it generates, I always wished I could avoid it. But in laughing at my pitiable state, I have been able to unearth new strengths and extract previously unfound answers about a lot many things. Whether the renowned academic rigour at WIMWI would allow me my share of contemplations daily is to wait and watch for.

Lazy Weekend

It's been a pretty lazy weekend. Just like any other I've had at Bangalore. Earlier it was the weekly Mock CAT, then the preparations for the GD/PI that kept me engaged and made me stay home. Now there is pretty much nothing on my plate but it still is somehow the same.
With just 1 more month left to savor Bangalore, I seriously hoped for some action. But it just isn't destined to be. Initially the weekend was earmarked for a few treats and a couple of parties to attend. But then a sudden, pleasant surprise had me rescheduling, read cancelling, all my previous plans and left me anticipating a fun weekend. But when you make plans, they are bound to get screwed up. It always happens with me. And get screwed, they did. Royally, in fact.
With all plans conking out, I was really left with nothing better to do but watch soaps on my lappy on a "sooper lazy Sunday". Again..... Sigh!!!

Questions???

"Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?
Am I making believe I see in you
A girl too lovely (perfect) to be really true?
Do I want you because you're wonderful
Or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream
Or are you really as beautiful as you seem?"

Subtly engendering the true feelings of any lovelorn person, this beautiful lyrical composition from Cinderella raises a few alarming questions in my head. The chimera of the perfect person that one falls in love with and the actual person might actually be nowhere remotely similiar (as is mostly the case). So, why create the illusion in the first place?

Crush

Awesome Song by David Archuleta -- The runner up at American Idol 2008.

Been on my playlist for a long, long time. Hence wanted to share. I suppose every guy would have experienced feelings similiar to the ones in the song -- at least once in their lifetime!!!

I suppose I need to listen to newer songs. Suggestions nebody???

Silent Tears!!!

Every day, I wait for you. You never come.

Yet I persevere. One day I hope you will. With this hope, I live.

The last time I waited through the wee hours of the night. It was freezing. The cold tested my guts. I was frozen to the bone. I could have so easily quit. But then the pain was obscured by the joy in persevering with the thought that you would arrive. You never did.

**********************************************

I could not sleep. You were in all my thoughts. I tried shutting you off my thoughts. I cleared my mind. I assumed I was at peace.

You somehow found the way to claw back.

When did I bestow this power upon you? Never realized all the way, that giving you this power was nothing but losing a few powers myself.

**********************************************

It looked like an old folded piece of paper. I was about to dispose it off in the dustbin. But the writing seemed familiar. I opened the paper. It was one of the many letters you had written.

In flooded a multitude of thoughts. I was caught in a time warp – transporting me along a chain of events that resulted in the letter and the events that ensued thereafter. It still is a distinct memory. I felt like I was in a trance. I scurried out of it.

How a piece of paper could affect me so much still escapes me?

I quickly tore it to shreds and slowly they floated through the air and found their way into the dustbin.

**********************************************

I wake up every morning. The first thing that I come across in the morning is your face. Consider me superstitious. I believe you bring me luck.

I’ve never told this to you.
I’ve always wanted to tell you this. I’ve wanted to tell you this and much more.

But you never gave me the chance.

***********************************************

You are guilty as charged.

I hurt myself. I inflict pain upon myself. You make me do this. The thought of you makes me do this. I journey through a spiral of ache whenever I think of you.

So doesn’t that make you the culprit?

***********************************************

You passed by. You never even noticed. I thought that was an anomaly.

The next time too, you did the same. I still wanted to consider it an aberration. Maybe you were pre-occupied with something else. One part of me told that everything wasn’t quite right but another part of me just refused to listen.

You do that even to this day. The two parts inside of me still conflict. When will you realize my existence and put an end to this tussle?

B'day Wishes

My Birthday is the only day of the year when my phone in a single day gets as much exercise as it normally does in almost a month. Thanks a tonne to all those who remembered the day and kept me engaged on the phone and my apologies to those that I couldn't attend to at the first go, either because I was sleeping or because I was at work.

Coming to Birthday wishes, they are of many a kind.

Some you expect. And you get. Like your parents. Your close kin. Friends in your inner circle. They've wished you each year. They continue to. They most probably will continue to(I Hope). You feel blessed to have them on your side -- willing you on in your endeavors, wishing you the very best in life. These wishes are those that fill your heart with their warmth.

Then there are some you least expect. They come from nowhere -- just like that, a bolt out of the blue. An old school mate who hasn't spoken to you in years. The guy who was your constant company when you went home for holidays. These are mostly unexpected and it thrills you that somebody so out of touch could still remember your birthday and did call to wish you. These are very very sweet and really touching gestures.

Then there are few you very much expect. But which you don't get. Maybe that person has forgotten your birthday. So you call that person and remind them that its your birthday and coax wishes out of them somehow hinting that it is your birthday. :) These wishes are slightly tricky -- there is a tinge of disappointment that your birthday has been forgotten but you are happy you've been wished finally.

And then there are those few who forget. And which you do nothing about but just remember that they'd have wished you if you turned back the clock. Maybe now they are far away. Maybe you've moved far away. These hurt -- not because they forgot but because you can sense the wane in the relation.

Quite some reflection, huh. All in all, a very Interesting Birthday this, I must say.

MAD

When you cannot be mad at somebody, no matter what they do, you know for sure that you are at the focal point of attraction in your relationship curve.

When you cannot 'stay' mad at somebody for long, then you know that your relationship has mellowed over time and that you've found optimum comfort levels with each other.

Crush.... Crushes???

"Why do I fall in love with every girl who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Kudos to Charlie Khaufman & Michael Gondry for coming up with ESOTSM and, in particular, this piquant yet piercing quote.

Spooky......

Completely took me by surprise, Though I must admit I do not entirely agree with what it is trying to convey.......

P.S : 'Twas a long time back.

Guy Songs

I'd presumed that lovey-dovey heartbreak songs were always meant to be feminine. Not that I don't expect heartbreak in the male dominion, just that I don't expect them to make their feelings public -- some sort of chivalry one could say.

But then chanced upon these two lovely songs that entirely quashed my theory. Pure Macho, Mannish Heartbreak. Is there any chance the heartbreak and the emotions are actually genuine???

I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

P.S: I'm a hopeless romantic... Duh!!!

Never love anyone so much as to give them the power to hurt you.
--
Some filmy Quote

P.S : When will people ever learn???

Checkmate

Ever heard that every relation is a gamble.
Ask me and I'd say it 's more of a chess game than Russian Roulette.

For every relation,
There exists a first move - the opening.(One of them has to do it)
The advantage will lie in the hands of player 1 if he can make an intelligent opening.
Make a faulty opening and you surrender all advantage.
Player 2 can seize the advantage if he can counter attack.
If both don't relent and play hard, you have a stalemate situation.
You got to make sacrifices to ultimately WIN.
To come out unscathed you got to play smart.
Or else you will be CHECKMATED.

B'coz

Not everything is as fine as it seems.
Because beneath that calm exterior might lie a Maelstrom waitin' to explode.

Not every relation is what it appears to be.
Because there still are certain emotions that haven't yet undergone the christening process.

Not everything you've heard is as dulcet as it sounds.
Because there are words that have more than a singular meaning.

Nothing is as patent as evident.
Because you can never be fully sure of anything in LIFE!!!

-- inspired from some scribblings on the walls of Dave's room

I think I maybe beginning to disappear.

“I think I maybe beginning to disappear.”
–
Fiona in the Movie Away from Her

Ah, What grace Dame Julie Christie!!! How wonderfully well she carries herself through this poignant, touching tale of how an elderly couple deals with Alzheimer’s.

Coming to the point, I found this particular quote very pertinent to our own lives. In the movie, the reference is to her fading memory as a consequence of Alzheimer’s. But I seriously think each one of us metamorphoses into newer selves as we grow over the years – the innocent child in us disappears for the burgeoning of the egotistical megalomaniac, who then further makes way for the venal mercenary and the evolution continues. Each of our selves has a latency period before we begin to grow out of them – at least that’s what I think. Anyways, the point is, I think I maybe beginning to disappear.

"Whenever a door closes, there's a new one that opens."

It's upto you to find out which one and where. Period.

Orkut!!!

Keeping a TAB on people you love/admire........ or is it STALKING???

Read My Mind

Ceaseless Doubts. Vacillating Thoughts.
Last Minute Hiccups. Scares and Alarms.
Puerile Distractions. Shaken Convictions.
Panic set in. Turmoil within.
Ego Deflated. As the Final Ride Begins.

Summoning Courage. Beckoning Calm.
I ride ahead. Weathering the Storm.

Under the Realization,
that the Outcome doesn't matter,
Once you've done your part!!!

Gyaan

Disclaimer: The opinions presented herewith are entirely born out of experience – a few experienced by self and a few from what I've seen from a distance. Anybody with a differing opinion is welcome. I do not expect total consensus nor do I want to thrust my ideology through anybody's throat. Just some random musings -- all unrelated, incoherent and insane.

We are unaware that we are lying almost half the time we fib. Half the time we do not know we are lying because we warp the truth so much in our own mind.

The Human Psyche is analogous to a balloon. Blow and it inflates. Also, poke it with a tiny pin and the whole bubble deflates.

No human is ever so gracious to completely forgive another of his transgressions. How much ever one tries to forgive and forget, at the back of one’s head keep nagging those lapses.

Solitude is an absolute godsend. Though people get desolate and forlorn after a while, it gives great scope for introspection – to assess oneself and to figure out who one really is and what one really plans to do.

Every man has an unknown feminine side to him. How much of it he manages to tap surely determines how far he can get into a woman’s life.

What you have been wallowing in for a long time, you do not realize its true worth. Whatever’s out of reach is what you actually crave for.

Pick up 10 random words from a word list and categorize them into +ve and –ve based on what they convey. You’ll most probably end up with a 3:7 ratio.

P.S: Not written while in a melancholic disposition. Better termed sober or even vacuous would be apposite.